Janina Category

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So what do you do when you find yourself publicly defeated?

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You don’t know who you are, as you find yourself no longer believing in the talent that was once the vessel of your future.

You try to avoid the places and faces you know, more comfortable hiding than having a good time.

You fade into your closest friends, where you hardly ever offer, or rarely ever deliver a punch-line.

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You find yourself the deepest hole, in the safest place, in which you can hide.

While the entire world seems to be zipping around in red convertibles, laughing and giving you the finger as they pass you by.

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Then one night when you do come out, and you find yourself in front of the club waiting in line,

Your eyes shift about and you pray that no one recognizes you as that guy from that night…

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Then a half-hour later as you check your coat, you realize that nobody ever does, and sigh.

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But all the sudden, across the cliche’ dance floor through the dark shades of cascading smoke you see this girl…

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The corners of your eyes can’t help but track her every move.

As she seems to have that fluid balance of smile, mystery and groove.

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And then someone casually mentions that she sings and she acts, and that she looking for a project to do.

And then you smile and try to get past that nauseating enthusiasm that comes over you…

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And you take a deep breath and you muster up the courage, and you walk up and say “hi”.

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But I didn’t…  I couldn’t…  I’ve never been blessed with that style.

(So I left the club uncomfortably convenienced into going back to not being that guy.)

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But after bearing the weight for several months of yet another lost opportunity,

Fates’ subtle grace brought this vision back in front of me…

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The music we were making, which has now become clear in retrospect,

Was quite unnaturally angry for me, and even more generous in its genetic melancholy.

“Tell Me What”, was born of the raging current of resentment I had for my own failures,

Combined with my dear friends love of evil-techno, and Janina’s profound coincidental confidence :)

When we would perform “Tell Me What” live,  Janina would stomp about the stage in her bright yellow rain boots and sari,

And I would abandon my keyboard to beat the hell out of a solitary drum.

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Screaming… “Back The F#ck Off Me!!!”… just felt soooooo good.

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There was another track that was fortunately never finished, but I’ll give a sample of the lyrics as I remember them…

“It’s time we take it outside Mother F#cker!”
“Its time you get a fist in the eye - Mother F#cker!”
“I’m gonna step all over your pride - Mother F#cker!”
“You pissed off the wrong guy, when you pushed me across that line…”

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Anyone who has ever looked lower than the horizon to see me, knows that I clearly can’t pull this off.

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(Any five-foot five and a half Indian boy with this much attitude, SHOULD get a life-time ban from the Bhangra Party :)

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There was also the bitter-sweetness in the music, a deeper sadness than I had ever flavored before.

“Till We Meet Again”, “Wonderful”, and the trilogy of one’s last breathe…

“Sometimes”, “A Second Before”, and “Between”

Carry within them the heaviest of humanities weight…

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“Won’t you come care for me, then maybe I can become much stronger…
I know that it’s much that I’m asking, for you to bare this pain and this hunger…
But as my flesh is failing me, I pray to grieve on your shoulder…
I know that loves a lot to give, when I won’t live much longer.”

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And it was with my laptop packed with these tracks, during the break of Christmas 2003…

I had ventured a casual three-week vacation with my mom and sister to India…

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Little knowing that this journey would come to become my life…

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A delicious detour destined towards no discernible end…

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